Redeemed

I've never been one to become a spiritual wasteland. I know that may sound a bit conceited but I cant. If I go too long without spending time with my Father, without journaling before Him, reading through His love story, my world begins to fall apart. I become easily agitated. My emotions are at the mercy of everything the wind brings my way. My heart feels cracked and empty and I feel lost. My soul aches.

Have you ever had the person you love leave for an extended period of time? The longest I've ever been apart from Andrew in our married life has been two weeks. About a week and a half into it, my heart ached for him. The day he was supposed to be home and couldnt make his flight, I fell apart. I struggled to keep myself from bursting into tears every few minutes. That feeling. The feeling of longing for the person that holds your very existence together. The feeling that something in your world isnt right, isnt whole. That feeling. That feeling is just scratching the surface of the level of emotion I feel right now. I have become a barren wasteland. I've allowed the whirlwind of life's events, decisions, troubles, joys, and excitements to draw me away from my Savior. I havent given Him my heart in nearly two months. I've been cold, empty, shallow, confused...I've been struggling.

I'd been slowly wasting away but I wasnt fully aware of my state of depravity. It wasnt until a song on the radio broke through my cloud of deafness that allowed me to hear the state of my soul's longing.

"This is the moment, it's on the line. Which way are you going to fall? In the middle, between wrong and right? But you know after all: It's your life, whatchya gonna do? The world is watching you. Every day, the choices you make, say who you are and who your heart beats for. It's an open door; it's your life. Are you who you said you would be? With a sinking feeling in your chest, always waiting for someone else to fix you, tell me: when did you forget? Live the way that you believe. This is your opportunity to live your life and give your life away." Francesca Battistelli's It's Your Life

Two lines in particular from that song brought me to heavy sobs. "Every day, the choices you make say who you are and who your heart beats for." I've never felt as sad and ashamed as I felt at that moment. What does my heart beat for. An outsider looking into my life these past two months, what would they say I live for? The second line: "Are you who you said you would be?" I nearly had to pull the car over at that point. I'm not who I said I would be. I'm married to an amazing husband who in a thousand lifetimes I could never have thought of a more perfect partner to share my life with. But when it comes down to who I am...I'm not who I want to be. I'm struggling in between who I need to be right now and who I want to be. And my longing to be who I want and who I should be is overwhelmingly powerful.

"I dont know how it is You looked at me and saw the person that I could be. Awaking my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly Your grace. Like sunlight burning at midnight, You're making my life something so beautiful, beautiful! Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need. You are so beautiful, beautiful." Francesca Battistelli's Beautiful, Beautiful

Life is a process. If there's one thing I know from looking back over my life and the paths God has brought me through, the places He's told me to sit and dwell on Him in, those hard places full of pain and growth. I know that life is a process. And it's not always a pretty process. And it's never a process that is pain free. It's funny to me that despite all of that. Despite the turmoil, despite the pain, despite the getting lost along the way, the screw ups, the falling away into deep dark places of deafness and depravity, DESPITE all that. I have a Savior, my Redeemer who watches me, loves me and will always, always take me back. He craves my heart; He craves my love. I can make Him smile. I can bring Him my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my worries; I can come to Him angry, I can come to Him terrified...I can come to Him broken. He is my Redeemer. I am redeemed.

Dwell in Possibility...
Cassie